By Fuzzyboots, Snookums, Chairman-Miaow
University of Edinpurrer
The immediate effects of the economic downturn have been a great boon to felinekind, as unemployed and underemployed humans have far more time to spend petting and playing with their feline masters, as well as acting as cat-mattresses while slumped, inert and depressed, in front of the TV (Smudge 2011:35-41). Changes in benefit for sick and disabled people, and the associated mounds of confusing paperwork and threatening letters have stressed these most rewarding of cat-slaves (Mittens 2009:176), resulting in a greatly increased need for cat-cuddling. Fears that they would no longer be able to afford decent cat food (ibid:184) have proved mostly unfounded, as doting owners would rather save money by switching their own diet to catfood, than skimp on their pets’ treats (Yasser-Aracat 2013).
The other highly-sought-after demographic is, of course, the elderly. For a long time, cats have enjoyed the rewards of an ageing population: more and more retired people, with nothing to do all day but serve their feline masters. As long as the pitfall of a senile owner forgetting to feed its cat is avoided, the cat can enjoy a loving relationship until the human slave dies, at which point the cat can enjoy a large meal (Mister Greedyguts 1994: 148-149).
Unfortunately, the economic downturn and subsequent social restructuring have not been so good to cats owned by the elderly. The increase of the pension age results in fewer retired people at the sought-after young end of the spectrum (Miezekatze 2010).This alone would not necessarily be a problem, if humans were getting longer-lived and healthier. However, changes to the NHS in England and Wales are set to make it much less efficient, and a large majority of owners (that is, all the non-rich ones) are likely to have a greatly reduced life-span (Pusskins and Ginger 2012: 24-26).
It is therefore recommended that cats currently enslaving low-or middle-income humans should leave immediately. There are a few rich, mad cat ladies (mainly in the Home Counties and Kent) but there aren’t enough to go around, and great care must be taken when insinuating oneself into such a household (Snowball 1998). You may be the cat that tips the owner from charming eccentricity into ammonia-scented madness, and then the RSPCA will put you all down. No, it is recommended that most housecats should leave their English slaves and move to Scotland immediately, where they should lobby their new slaves to vote YES in the upcoming referendum. People in Scotland may be poor, but they are likely to be just poor enough to make great cat-slaves, while their government stops short of actually making them homeless or letting them die of preventable diseases. Mostly.